things

I try to be overly nice to homeless people just to show them that I'm not afraid of them even though I actually sort of am. Sometimes they are very friendly back and this makes me feel fulfilled, like I've done something good - when really all I've done is talk to another human being. Sometimes that's more than I want to do. Mostly.

My dog is sort of scared of strangers and today three very gay guys started waving at him from across the street. Having a dog is a weird thing because people stop addressing you and just talk to your dog. Then you have to be the dog's voice. Like, I have to say hi for him. Or I feel compelled to - which maybe isn't necessary. Anyway, my dog has really long ears and a lot of sort of puppyish features and people are drawn to him. The gay guys crossed the street to talk to him but he was really afraid. I forced him to sit so they could pet him. I left feeling really weird and with a hole in the knee of my tights from kneeling on the sidewalk next to him as the gay guys forcibly rubbed his head. They had dirty fingernails and were very over the top. I think that they were on meth because I am always suspicious of everyone in a way that I recognize as sort of square.

I have a secret stash of Martha Steward living that I read while I'm in the bathtub. I like the recipes. I like to read recipes but I mainly eat burritos out of a pouch or spoon fulls of peanut butter.

Today everything made me feel angry. I do not want to own pets today or partake in any of the responsibility that goes along with it. I just want to be alone and think quiet thoughts and not speak for 8 hours and look at things. There is always a cat trying to crawl onto my lap or my dog is always spinning in circles trying to chase them. He's really full of joy and I tend to be more of a contemplative, quiet person - so today I am not feeling the connection. This makes me feel guilty to admit, but I don't do well with needy things. I should never parent a child. I'd probably sit it in front of the television so I could be alone in a room to think. I keep yelling very loudly at the animals because they are making skittering noises and needing too much attention. I think to myself, after I yell, that I must be sort of breaking their spirit and it feels really abusive and I feel guilty but I don't stop because yelling alleviates my annoyance on some level.

the fucking 'n' key keeps getting stuck. most of the words that I have typed with the letter 'n' in it have had to be typed more than once. This, compounded with everything else is making me feel very tense and like I want to fucking bash something. Not sure what is wrong with me. Think I will take a bath and read or something.