I have felt a lot, recently, that I have no creative outlet. Makes me feel empty. I tried taking up knitting, my grandmother began to teach me last year but I gave up easily and now she's dead. Seems hopeless. Am a little interested in Crewel Embroidery, want to make pictures of old houses and birds and flowers to remind me of my grandmother. Not sure that I will. Seems like a commitment that should be important because of the meaning I've assigned to it. I'm pretty sure I will bastardize my own good intentions with laziness, not really up to that just yet.

I have felt real quiet and contemplative all day. Looked at the internet for about 3 hours, give or take. Refreshed pages, looked obsessively at stranger's pictures, felt that pretty much everyone in the world is having more fun than me. I felt like a loser, didn't feel like walking my dog, kept smelling shit but could find it no where in the apartment. I sometimes feel creatively and mentally drained by monitors. Computer, television. They seem to suck my life force. I will think this and close my laptop and turn off the television, or at least try to watch something "smart" and not "shallow" but old habits die hard.

Started looking at pictures of food. It's a new trend or a moderately new one, and I like it. Sometimes I take pictures of my food because it looks artistic in a way that I recognize from other pictures I've seen of food, ones that I know are actually artistic. Have never posted pics for anyone to see but I'm often tempted. Today I made two sort of intricate meals, both of them using really pretty and bright ingredients. It took me a while to do, and I thought that maybe cooking is my creative outlet. I took pictures of these meals. maybe I will post them, I have to decide. I don't even know why it is important at all, who cares?

My dog curls his entire body up onto a pillow. It's like he's afraid to have an inch of himself not on the pillow, like maybe he thinks that beyond the pillow is lava. I used to play that game all of the time.

Dowloaded a bunch of meditations and Tibetan chants. I try to meditate. put a scarf over my head, sit still and listen to the singing bowls. Usually I can only focus on a cramp in my foot, or end up thinking about things that make me sad or unsatisfied. I don't know what it is to 'clear my mind' - not sure how that would look, but I think it might be what death is.